By Jason Apuzzo. • In the time since our last Sword & Sandal Report!, trailers have been released for Immortals and also for the new version of Conan. I’ll start with the Immortals trailer. What a disappointment! As much as I love the concept of building a film around the ancient Greek hero Theseus, slayer of the Minotaur and lover of Ariadne, this Tarsem Singh take on the myth is not working for me at all based on what I’m seeing so far in the trailer … a trailer for which the term ‘derivative’ would be an understatement. About halfway through the trailer a title card reads, “From the producers of 300,” which is about as unnecessary a statement as can be imagined given how utterly identical this film looks to 300. In fact, if this film wasn’t being made by the producers of 300, I would’ve recommended they sue for copyright violation, given how close the two films are in terms of their look, styling, costuming and even color palette.
300, however, at least had a perverse/decadent sense of humor about itself, of which – thus far – Immortals seems painfully devoid. The entire Immortals trailer gives us little more than earnest speeches, slo-mo action, mugging at the camera and massed CGI armies. The dialogue sounds dreadful, featuring such chestnuts of profundity as: “To those whom much is given, much is asked.” Wow, really? I’ve never heard that line before! I thought that to those whom much is given, still more could be given – along with a free Starbucks coupon!
As for Mickey Rourke, his physical transformation into The Elephant Man seems complete, which I suppose makes him a good choice as the villain here … provided his character wasn’t wearing bronze bunny ears, and provided his mumbled dialogue was actually comprehensible, which it isn’t. And as for future Superman Henry Cavill, he does nothing for me here – and nor does Freida Pinto, who in her first big Hollywood film already seems to be taking her clothes off. That certainly didn’t take long! Welcome to L.A., young lady – you’ll fit in just fine.
In any case, I’m lowering my expectations for this film, although not to the point that I’ll avoid it altogether. (In other Immortals news, cast member Joseph Morgan discusses his role in the film here.)
• … which brings us to the new Conan the Barbarian trailer. This trailer is slightly better than the one for Immortals in that I actually understand what the story is about (“No man should live in chains …”), it has a more masculine lead (Jason Momoa), war elephants, and Rose McGowan as an insane witch. All good elements. This trailer again features too much CGI for my taste, and music that sounds a little too close to Metallica, but on the whole the film looks less annoying than Immortals. Jason Momoa as Conan is also reminding me a lot of The Rock, which is a good thing.
How will the new Conan rate against the original Schwarzenegger/Milius version? Poorly, I suspect, but it still may be entertaining. The trailer goes on a bit too long, repeating its action sequences, as if the film has little else to offer. That’s a problem. The original Conan got by on a certain amount of cheeky good-humor, based around Arnold’s over-the-top persona. Hopefully they’ve found some way to preserve some of that in this new version.
In other Conan news, a new poster for the film just came out, some new images are on-line, and plot details of the film have been revealed (see here and here). It looks like Conan is going to be a revenge tale, as keeping with the original. And aren’t revenge stories always the best – especially when served cold?
• In Greek and Roman News, Brett Ratner apparently wants to adapt the comic book Hercules: The Thracian Wars. The names ‘Brett Ratner’ and ‘Hercules’ aren’t names one would normally associate with one another, but this is actually the second Hercules project to which Ratner’s been linked so he obviously seems to like this stuff. Elsewhere, Resident Evil director Paul W.S. Anderson is set to helm Pompeii, which will apparently be a love story about a slave in the doomed city who wants to marry his master’s boss. You’ve got to believe – and hope – we’ll be seeing Anderson’s wife, Milla Jovovich, in that one. Finally, there are some new set pics out for Wrath of the Titans.
• The ratings for HBO’s Game of Thrones have gone through the roof, which may be related to the fact that female star Emilia Clarke has spent much of the series writhing around in various states of undress. (Don’t you love cable TV?) In any event, the series is a smash hit and has been renewed for a second season, meaning you can expect a lot more shows like this down the line. If you’ve been missing the series, you can get yourself caught up by catching Game of Thrones episode recaps here: Ep. 1, 2, 3, 4. Plus, star Sean Bean talks to MTV about the show here and here, and author George R. R. Martin talks about the series here. Libertas’ Joe Bendel gave the series a glowing review here.
• Peter Jackson plods away diligently on The Hobbit, and a lot of the big cast members from the original Lord of the Rings films have returned to the fold for this new production. Returning cast members now include Elijah Wood, Ian Holm and Hugo Weaving. Also: Jackson is shooting the film not only in 3D, but at 48 frames per second, supposedly in order to reduce 3D eye strain. You can watch Jackson’s first behind-the-scenes production video here, and see what he says about his screenwriting process here.
As with Pirates of the Caribbean, I’m wondering exactly how much juice is left in the Tolkein franchise. Regardless, what I appreciate here is Jackson’s old-fashioned sense of craftsmanship, his general good cheer and the humanistic spirit of his films. You know that The Hobbit is going to be a high-quality effort, intended to last for the ages. Other than George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, there are strikingly few filmmakers who are able to bring these different qualities to bear on films for mass audiences anymore.
• In other Sword & Sandal News: Highlander might get a reboot (?!), with Fast Five director Justin Lin attached. Is that a weird enough story for you? One of the hottest directors in Hollywood and he wants to do … Highlander. Actually, years ago I had a right-wing friend who was obsessed with Highlander, something I always found a bit bizarre. It can’t have been because of Christopher Lambert, right? Was it the Queen soundtrack? Hard to say. Come to think of it, this guy might’ve liked the idea of living forever and marrying a 1000 different women. Anyway, in other news, Warner Brothers is currently juggling two different Tarzan projects (in case one falls off the vine? OK, bad joke), and a so-so new trailer is out for the medieval pic Ironclad, starring Paul Giamatti as a peevish king. Or maybe he just looks peevish.
• AND IN TODAY’S MOST IMPORTANT NEWS … we thought we’d take a look at Conan the Barbarian star Rachel Nichols (above), who’ll be appearing in the new film as Conan’s love interest Tamara, “a beautiful and studious novitiate of a Greek influenced monastery.” Is this really typical of how ‘studious novitiates’ looked back in the Hyborian Age? Monasteries sure have changed!
And that’s what’s happening today in the world of Sword & Sandals!
Posted on May 11th, 2011 at 3:46pm.
Great report, Jason. I’m a little more excited about Conan than you, but I’m a sucker for stuff like that. I’m also happy Jason Mamoa got a big role, because he was awesome in Stargate Atlantis. But I agree … it probably won’t be as good as the Milius version.
I’m glad you’re a voice of reason regarding Spielberg and Lucas. It’s also good that Jackson gets mentioned with those guys … he belongs there.
And, yes … it would be criminal of Milla wasn’t in her husband’s new film.
Vince, thanks for your remarks, as always. Also: I’ve read Saucer Men and have several things to say about it in terms of how Crystal Skull turned out. Check back on this comment thread tomorrow and I’ll give you my full report!
If we are supposed to believe that she looks like an emotionally damaged FBI behavioral profiler (a role she played in two unconnected series, then I could buy her as a ’studious novitiate’. By the way, is there a good reason why this post wasn’t entirely illustrated with naked pictures of Rachel Nichols?
To answer you last question, no – there is absolutely no good reason. In fact, I’ll skip the text part of the post entirely next time and cut to the chase. Apologies.
The one and only Conan, Arnold:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw
I hear you …
“Is this really typical of how ’studious novitiates’ looked back in the Hyborian Age?”
Depends on which god/goddess she’s a novitiate of, I guess. We are talking mythological (and most likely pre-Christian) times here, and if the Greek deities are examples, they were just the type to have “novitiates” like these.
Then I think I prefer the Hyborian Age.
I agree with your assessments of both trailers. The Immortals trailer looked as derivative as you can get, almost like a straight to video movie that makes no bones about who they’re ripping off. Conan looks better particularly the second trailer that I’ve seen on RT. Now if they’ll not wuss out and make it an R rated movie it “might” have a chance. I love Aunold’s version from the early eighties.
“What is best in life?”
“The open step, a freed horse, falcons at your wrist and the wind in your hair.”
“Wrong!! Conan, what is best in life?”
“Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
“That is good.”
What’s interesting is that it’s lines one remembers – not the action. I can’t even remember the action scenes from Conan; I just remember the characters, the Nietzsche quote, the situations they put Arnold in, etc. The film had a lot of personality, which was the key factor. Arnold’s dialogue and one-liners were always as important to his persona as the action.
Vince, I wanted to finally get back to you about the Indiana Jones and The Saucer Men from Mars screenplay. I had the chance to read it, and had a mixed reaction. There were aspects of it that I loved, most notably all of the 50s sci-fi elements – the scene at the drive-in theater was especially priceless – and all of the affectionate riffing off of flying saucer lore (the Roswell crash, Air Force encounters with saucers, etc.). In general I thought that the dialogue and quips were much better than what was in Crystal Skull. Also: the sequence involving the Tupolev and the Sabre jet battle with the saucer would’ve been fantastic on the big screen. (Had something like that appeared in Crystal Skull, it would’ve been the film’s best sequence.)
It’s quite obvious that Saucer Men would’ve been much more of a straight sci-fi/alien invasion film than Crystal Skull was, and so I can understand why Spielberg got cold feet after Independence Day came out in 1996 (the Saucer Men screenplay dates from 1995). ID4 and, I suspect, the Transformers films forced Spielberg and Lucas to re-think the project along different lines – and to incorporate the alien component into a classic, Indy-style archeological quest. My sense, though, is that it was a good idea to do that – because Crystal Skull is actually much more interesting in terms of the threat posed by the alien technology – i.e., brainwashing. In fact, I never really had a good sense from Saucer Men as to why the aliens were even here, whereas that was more clear – and more interesting – in Crystal Skull. The alien artifact in Saucer Men, the energy-device, seemed so much more generic than the crystal skull with all of its hypnotic powers, and disturbing appearance.
The other thing Crystal Skull had going for it on an emotional level was Indy’s relationship with his son, and the reunion with Marion. The scientist chick in Saucer Men again seems a bit generic, and you get the uncomfortable sense that Indy is just settling down with her because … he’s getting older and she just happens to be hot and available. It was much more touching to have Indy reunite with Marion (who also happens to be his own general age), and develop a rapport with his offspring – which was not in Saucer Men (written, admittedly, when Ford would’ve been younger).
But here’s really what bothered me about Saucer Men the most: it’s strongly anti-military, and also anti-nuclear component. Wow, did that stuff rub me the wrong way, and I’m so glad it all got dropped for Crystal Skull. Although both screenplays portray the Soviets in a harsh light, and Crystal Skull indulges in some hand-wringing over McCarthyism in academia (ironic, given the state of things nowadays), Crystal Skull goes much further in establishing Indy’s anti-communist credos, and in depicting the Soviets as ruthless killers intent on subjecting their enemies to brainwashing. Also: Crystal Skull implies that Indy’s relationship to the military is quite strong, and that America is in no sense as eager to exploit the alien artifacts for their military potential.
So those are my basic thoughts. On the whole, it was certainly an interesting read, but I think we ultimately ended up with a much better film in Crystal Skull …
Thank you very much for your commentary, Jason! There is simply no other place to get that sort of analysis, and I can’t compliment you enough.
When I read “Saucer Men”, I was left with the feeling it was a first draft that was abandoned because certain parties didn’t care for its direction. If I remember correctly, Lucas offered the idea of a crystal skull as a compromise to ground the story a bit. It’s interesting to think of what it would’ve been like if those elements were added to “Saucer Men.”
That still doesn’t take care of the lack of emotional resonance in “Saucer Men”. When I read it, I kind of thought Indy was just coming full circle to his days of “fortune and glory” but the approach in “Crystal Skull” was clearly better.
I just can’t help but think “Crystal Skull” was born as some sort of compromise between “Saucer Men” and Frank Darabont’s “City of the Gods.”
Still, everything you said about “Crystal Skull” make it a special film — especially its logical conclusion of how the Soviets would use the skull … just perfect.
So, I guess I agree with you: “Crystal Skull” was much better. I just can’t get that Sabre scene out of my head!
Thanks for the kind words, Vince! And I think you’re analysis here is spot-on. Crystal Skull to me feels like a wine that was allowed to age for a while, mainly so that the film could have the right kind of emotional resonance, and not simply be another sci-fi spectacle – of which there are a great many, lately.
The Sabre sequence would’ve been great, though! As would the car/truck being levitated at the drive-in movie theater, as a 50s alien invasion movie played on the screen!
That new Conan movie looks terrible. Jason Mamoa is the new breed of man, all girly and GQ-ish. Even on Game of Thrones (which seems pretty good) I noticed that the barbarian lord he plays must have an excellent dental hygenist, what with his brilliant white teeth. There were so many other actors that would have been good as Conan, I don’t know why we had to settle for some tier 3 guy who’s best known as a character on Stargate. Milius will be missed on this new Conan movie methinks.
It’s true – these guys always look a little too perfect. Do you have any thoughts on who else these days might’ve played the role?
This is why I will always give Johnny Depp credit for the Pirates series. Say what you will, but he’s inhabiting the character of Jack Sparrow — even down to the period and character appropriate dentistry.
Yes, he’s quite good in those films.
And Schwarzenegger’s Conan must have had access to a well-equipped gym, a special diet and, lets face it, steroids (Schwarzenegger has openly admitted using them). No, you can’t get a body like that just by turning a huge mill for years. I recently found a chronological gallery of Conan covers, and Jason Momoa is actually a pretty good fit for Conan as he’s portrayed before the late ’60s, especially the ’50s covers. And Momoa’s “girly”? Compared to whom?
It’s true. I’ve been pushing a mill like that for years and I still don’t look like that. 😉
Girly compared to Arnold. I’m sorry you don’t agree with my post. I found his perfect overly brilliant teeth distracting, I didn’t have the same problem with Arnold turning the mill. I guess my suspension of disbelief doesn’t include Crest Whitening Strips for barbarians.
Arnold’s Conan may not have had Crest Whitening Strips but, judging by his oddly hairless torso, he obviously had access to a plentiful supply of Nair.